


growing pains

by huphilpuffs



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009, Break Up, Canon Compliant, Gen, Graduation, Introspection, between Dan and OC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 13:49:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15390099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/huphilpuffs/pseuds/huphilpuffs
Summary: It's the summer of 2009 and Dan's life doesn't make sense.





	growing pains

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place before Dan and Phil meet, so it features both them talking online, and Dan with his ex-girlfriend.
> 
> Much thanks goes to [obsessivelymoody](https://archiveofourown.org/users/obsessivelymoody/pseuds/obsessivelymoody) for reading this over for me and ensuring it's not terrible.

Dan’s mum has his school photo in the lounge.

He walks by it in the morning, wiping sleep from his eyes even though he’s been awake for a while. The sun’s risen into the sky, morning almost bleeding into afternoon, by the time he drags himself into the kitchen for breakfast. He has a bowl of cereal, staring aimlessly at the wall, and dumps the bowl into the sink afterwards.

His mum’s at work. So is his dad. Adrian’s watching the telly. 

“Tell me when you want lunch,” Dan calls as he walks by.

Adrian hums. Dan hums back.

He goes back to his bedroom, switches on his PC, and glances at where the summer sun flits between leaves as he waits for it to boot up. 

\---

YouTube’s been Dan’s escape since the first time he opened the webpage. 

He comes home and avoid his homework by listening to an endless drawl of people talking about everything and nothing. He turns it on when the sky was dark and he couldn’t sleep, when his brain was numb with fatigue and just about anything would make him laugh. He watches it when doubt fills the gaps between his ribs and the faces of pretty boys on his laptop screen replaced it with a different kind of questioning.

It’s his escape today, too. 

Dan settles on his bed with his laptop on his thighs and earbuds in and turns on a video he’s seen too many times. It has hearts for a title and AmazingPhil’s face on his screen and Dan forgets the annoyances of working in retail for a moment. 

Something softens in his chest. 

\---

June starts with the same drone of daily life Dan can’t wait to end.

He goes to class and talks with people whose lives somehow seem to make sense. People talk about scholarships now, and summer vacations and plans with their friends. Dan spends lunch staring a Twitter feed that hardly updates, smiling stupidly because a stranger posted.

_ @AmazingPhil: seeing Drag me to hell tonight :D _

Next to him, someone’s talking about going to America. Dan doesn’t look up.

_ @Dan_Howell: better go jogging, you need to have a good heart to live through the surprises every 10 seconds :) _

It’s not until he gets home that afternoon that he finds out Phil responded, his heart lurching into his throat so Dan chokes on his gasp.

_ @AmazingPhil: i can’t wait :]] (it’s too hot to jog tho, can i just sunbathe plz. i am brave _

\---

His girlfriend comes over sometimes, usually when Dan’s parents aren’t home. 

Adrian usually says: “I’m telling mum and dad you’re sneaking a girl into your room!” 

Dan usually sticks his tongue out in response.

Today, he reaches down to take Kate’s hand in his, and leads her to a room where nothing ever happens. Dan leans against his pile of pillows and stares up at the ceiling. Kate lays down, her feet by his head, and tells him about her plans for uni, the roommate she doesn’t know yet, the stress of dealing with her parents. 

“Yeah,” Dan hears himself say. “I get it.”

Kate presses her toes to his armpit, giggling. “No you don’t.”

And she’s right. He doesn’t. But he doesn’t want to say it, so he laughs instead.

\---

He has chocolate cake for his birthday. 

His mum smiles at him from across the table and his dad seems to forget that he’s disappointed Dan took a gap year. Adrian licks icing off the candles and Kate holds his hand under the table and some of his friends stay over late to play video games. 

He’s eighteen, and everything should feel like it’s falling into place, he thinks. 

But it doesn’t.

He hugs his friends goodbye, thanks his parents, and goes to bed, curling up in his side with his laptop to watch the new video AmazingPhil posted.

And then every single different path it branches along.

Dan blames the rush of the day when he tweets.

_ @Dan_Howell: @AmazingPhil I think I have a crush on you _

\---

His other friends are going to uni, too. 

Most are going to London. One’s going to York. Dan jokes about how much of a relief it will be to take a gap year while his insides tie in knots of uncertainty. He works an afternoon shift at ASDA and wonders if he should have just applied to study something basic, or something that would get him a job, something he wasn’t sure of.

He won’t be sure a year from now, anyway.

The sun casts rays of sunlight across his bed when he gets home. Dan tugs the curtains closed because the brightness makes his chest go tight.

He collapses onto a bed he hasn’t made in weeks.

\---

_ Phil Lester accepted your friend request.  _

The notification comes at the end of June, as the school year is fading into exam periods. Dan’s friends are stressed about maintaining their grades while he spends his evenings talking to his favourite youtuber in Twitter DMs like that’s a normal thing to do.

It’s starting to be.

Dan’s friends are adjusting to a new normal of adulthood and more school and moving away from home, and Dan’s new normal is this. 

Smiling at his computer screen because AmazingPhil is his friend. On Facebook, at least.

His phone chimes, probably with a text from Kate. 

Dan takes a screenshot of the notification, knowing that if Kate was here she’d tease him about his fanboy ways. He pastes it into a DM conversation that’s gone surprisingly well.

_ Dan Howell: can’t believe we’re officially friends _

_ Phil: :D _

\---

July goes by in a rush.

School is almost done. Exams are next week and Kate’s lying in his bed, head draped across his lap as she studies notes for a class Dan didn’t take. They haven’t spoken much tonight.

They haven’t spoken much lately at all.

Dan lets his hand fall so his fingers comb through her hair. He’s been ignoring his own notes in favour of social media. 

He’s been ignoring a lot in favour of social media lately.

Kate drags his hand from her head. “I have to study,” she says.

Dan hums, and refreshes his Twitter feed.

\---

School ends. 

Everyone hugs and says goodbye and celebrates. Someone asks Dan where he’s going to uni and forces a laugh as he answers that he’s taking a gap year. 

Next year, he’ll have it all figured out.

Or he’ll still have nothing figured out.

Probably the latter.

But for today, Dan has a blue gown draped over his shoulders and a square hat atop his head. He kisses his girlfriend in celebration and hugs his parents, thanking them for the support. He says goodbye to a school filled with friends and bullies and memories he kind of wishes he could forget.

He says goodbye to the stability it offers.

\---

He lasts a week before the worry laces itself through his chest again. His girlfriend is texting him about how she’s moving soon and Adrian’s cartoons can be heard from the lounge. Dan thinks he probably shouldn’t be seeking solace in someone he’s never met.

But Phil makes it so easy.

_ Dan Howell: how did you decide what to study in uni _

_ Phil: idk. it just kinda fell into place :] _

_ Dan Howell: oh _

_ Phil: but you’re taking a gap year right? _

_ Dan Howell: yeah _

_ Phil: so you don’t have to worry about it yet :D _

Dan sighs, wishing he was better at not worrying about things. He opens YouTube, and rewatches his favourite path of Phil’s interactive space adventure. 

He tries not to think about how he still hasn’t looked at his phone.

Or about how the tweet from his birthday is one he’d probably still send today.

\---

His mum replaces his school photo with his graduation photo.

Dan walks by it in the morning, wiping sleep from his eyes even though he’s been awake for a while. He frowns, watching Adrian play video games as he eats dry cereal straight from the box. His parents are at work, and he has a shift later. Summer sun seems to fill every corner of the lounge.

“Wanna play, Dan?” says Adrian.

“Nah.”

Adrian pouts. “You’re no fun.”

He’s not, Dan realizes. None of this is fun, not really. It feels like it’s been forever since it’s been fun, like somewhere along the way all his friends became successful adults and Dan became the grumpy man who never leaves his house unless he has to.

His appetite disappears, so he goes back to his room.

\---

_ You should start a youtube channel,  _ Phil says one day.

It’s the first idea that makes sense to Dan’s mind in a long time. More than uni ever did, more than adult jobs or summer times spent working at ASDA. He rolls it around in his mind, imagining filming himself telling anecdotes on his bedroom floor like Phil does, or making comedy sketches like Smosh.

He ends up responding with:  _ I don’t think I’m creative enough.  _

A few moments later, Phil’s reply lights up the screen.

_ Phil: I’d subscribe to you :D _

Dan feels his heart flip over in his chest.

\---

They break up in August.

Except Dan feels like it might have ended a long time before that.

“I don’t think long distance is for us,” Kate says. “We worked well during school but, I don’t know, do you really see this turning into something … grown up?”

Dan’s sitting on the edge of his bed when she says it, head dipped and racing with the incessant thought that  _ I can’t see anything I do turning into something grown up.  _

“Not really,” he says.

Kate slides her hand into his and squeezes his fingers. “You have some things to figure out, don’t you?”

He swallows. It’s the first time someone’s asked. Someone from his real life, at least.

Dan’s not even sure what his real life is anymore.

“Yeah,” he mumbles. 

Kate squeezes his hand again. “I think I do, too,” she says, but it’s not the same thing.

It hasn’t been the same thing for a long time.

\---

_ Dan Howell: I broke up with my girlfriend _

He waits a few days to tell Phil, because the ache is heavy in his chest and Kate’s voice saying  _ you have some things to figure out  _ keeps echoing in his head every time he opens Twitter. Or YouTube. Or every time Phil crosses his mind and Dan thinks a moment too long about how blue his eyes are.

_ Phil: oh no :[ _

_ Dan Howell: yeah :[ _

_ Phil: do you miss her _

He lets the question roll around in his chest for a long moment, past every uncertainty and indecision that has haunted him for the past few months. 

_ Dan Howell: as a friend mostly _

_ Dan Howell: I don’t have many friends _

_ Phil: I’m sorry :[ _

Dan swallows. He sinks back against his pillows, dragging his laptop with him. His chest feels achy again, like he lost something, like he lost a lot.

He has, he thinks, over the last little while.

Another message from Phil comes in, and a smile blooms across Dan’s face.

_ Phil: but we’re friends, right? :] _

_ Dan Howell: right :] _

But he’s gained quite a lot, too. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Come say hi on tumblr [@huphilpuffs](huphilpuffs.tumblr.com).


End file.
